the full nine months

My body thinks I am still pregnant. Every time I think of it, I want to fall to the floor and weep. I want to weep for my body as if she is another person that this awful things has happened to. It's so f*ing sad, and I don't know how to help her.

A few weeks ago the low back pain kicked in. Intense, keeping me out of the gym. Something is not right with my hips - I am still doing the mama waddle. My digestion is not good. I've gained weight since losing the baby; didn't see that coming, and I'm on track to gain the requisite 15-20 pounds by her due date.

I went to the Berkshires and saw a massage therapist recommended by a friend. She specializes in prenatal and postpartum massage. She confirmed - hips and abdominal muscles are still positioned as though I am pregnant. F**k.

It seems as though we are going the full nine months. I wonder what will happen on Angel Mae's due date. Will my biochemistry naturally reorganize itself? Will my body finally release her? Will it be awful? Will it be a relief? Will nothing change at all?

I recently found a counselor to talk to. We talked yesterday about journalling, blogging, about how I communicate with the baby. She asked me if I know where in my mind Angel Mae lives. And I told her - she doesn't live in my mind, she lives in my body. Sometimes at my breast. But mostly in my belly. I still carry her energy there. I'm not ready to let her go. (Go where??)

My body feels so... busted, frozen, damaged, freaked. The way we lost this baby - the speed, the physical pain, the shock... My body needs to heal from this trauma. Gently, gently.

And that means coaxing it, gently, gently, into releasing the baby, releasing the pregnancy. Again. In a safe way. Realizing it is over. How do I do that? How do I move this baby from my body to my heart? That would be a ridiculous, esoteric question, except that to me it is so physical, tangible.

I don't have the answer. Except to start rounding up help. Therapy, massage therapy, energy work... I'm seeing a shaman next week; she practices the planet's oldest medicine for putting the heart back together; specializes in picking up broken pieces of soul left scattered about a life and putting that vital energy back into the body.

We'll see. Body needs help. I'm going to do what I can. But we may just have to wait until July 19 for my body to get the message.