Less than a week ago I wrote about feeling better. Today I can't imagine feeling better ever again.
My baby girl would have been 4 months old today. I feel like my chest has been ripped open.
This is what they mean--what others who have gone before me mean--when they say that this doesn't go away, it just changes. That the days of being okay (and then being good, and then being happy) extend and grow. And the bad moments begin to space themselves further apart and give you some relief. But then they sneak up on you and knock your teeth out.
I can't tell you why the 19th of this month is worse than the 19th of last month. Or why it is more painful for me to think of my four-month old ghost baby than my two-month old ghost baby. Grief doesn't care for my questions, my reasons, my comparisons. She just rolls me under.
I'm underwater tonight. I'm hoping she'll spit me up on shore by tomorrow morning. We're driving to New York City to visit my father. We're going to take Lilly to the Empire State Building and FAO Schwartz, and visit my old stomping grounds on the Upper West Side and eat good Chinese food. By then, I'd like to be on dry land, in the sunlight.
But this is grief. You never can tell.
8 comments:
You know, Jenni, I had the same experience--a seemingly innocuous month without significance, like month four, knocked me off my feet for a week, and month five, it didn't much register on that day. There is no rhyme or reason, but the fickle bitch demands attention. She will not be ignored. Sending you much love and wishing you a beautiful weekend in NYC, able to find some grounding and presence amongst the toys and egg rolls.
It's so hard, the cycle. You're so right- you just never know when it will sneak up on you.
Thinking of you and hoping the trip away helps.
Thoughts are with you....grief truly is a fickle, fickle bitch, and as Angie so correctly points out..a bitch that just demands attention and knocks you off your feet.
Sending much love.
Oh Jenni, I wish I could sit with you and curse the fickle bitch and throw sharp objects at her. I'm sending you love and hopes for a nice weekend in NYC. The UWS is my old stomping grounds too! xo
Beautiful words and image.
It so unpredictable isn't it? I always find that, just as I'm congratulating myself on doing well, I get swept off my feet again. Rolling under is such an apt description.
Hope you find the shore by tomorrow, have a good visit with your father and good times with Lily. xo
4 months sent me ino the darkest hole I could have ever imagined. The month before that I was starting to fell a tiny bit better but then 4 months came & I fell. It took me a long time to pull myself out but I did. You will too. Things ahve been a little easier since & I hope the same for you. Enjoy your trip.
I hope you do have moments of joy with Lily and your husband in NYC tomorrow. This grief is a busy and fickle b*tch. The 19th is our son's sixth month away from this earth and I'm likewise struggling today. Sending you love from another sad mumma.
This path of grief is so hard to travel. I am very sorry you have to be on it too. I do not wish this grief upon anyone. Hugsss
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