What I Would Buy If I Ever Got a Live Baby
baby breathing monitor
drown-proof bathtub (they don't make those, do they?)
everything flame retardant (because of fire risk)
nothing flame retardant (because of chemicals)
10 pairs of baby legs (because they are cute)
What I Should Not Eat Today if I Want to Drop the Five Pounds I Regained This Week after Dropping Them Last Month
bread
cheese
beer
sugar
anything with barbecue sauce
Things I Can Do Now That One Year Ago I Never Thought I Would Do Again
ride a bike
host a dinner party
bake without burning anything
go on Facebook
enjoy where I’m living
sit quietly without thinking hateful thoughts about God
Important Numbers
47 – days I have lived in my new house
47 – days I have put off unpacking Angel Mae’s memorial basket and setting up her altar
47 – days I have felt guilty about not creating space for my dead baby in our new house
5 – days I have been wondering if this means I’m almost ready to spread her ashes
26 – days of this cycle with no ovulation
2 – days until the clo.mid conversation with my doctor
Things I Thought About at 4am Last Night
random sketches from How.I.Met.Your.Mother
how horribly lonely I am without my baby girl
* * *
What's on your list today?
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longing...
"...for the vanished girl her mother searched and visited all lands in turn. Where the girl was she knew not, but she reproached the whole wide world, and in chief the places where she had found the traces of her loss. She roamed the earth over in search of her daughter, by day and by night with torches, from sunrise until sunset, hour by hour. Bitter pain seized Demeter's heart, and she sped like a wild bird over the firm land and yielding sea, seeking her child. But no one would tell her the truth, neither god nor mortal men; and of the birds of omen, none came with true news for her."
- Ovid, Homer, others, me
- Ovid, Homer, others, me
pre-term labor awareness
gifts
2 comments:
I like lists.
For myself:
All of the babysafe things on your list and of course the baby legs. Although I'm trying not to thing of any of that sort of stuff.
Bread and cheese and the not eating of or, more accurately, trying to resist the eating of.
Plus:
Breathe in
Breathe out
Rinse and repeat.
xxx
i should not eat the box of chocolates Dave brought home last night.
i have gone five years and a bit without spreading most of Finn's ashes, those that we didn't plant with the trees in the yard the first week we were home. five years in, i am only beginning to feel at home in this house that we took possession of the day he was born. five years i've wondered if i'm ready to scatter the rest, but i can't seem to find the right time and place. and mostly i forget. and mostly, that is okay.
what i'm trying to say is that she is with you, in that new house, whether or not you create the space or the altar. maybe you are ready for something new. or maybe you are just gathering the energy. that is hard. it takes a long time.
lots of love, and hoping the clo.mid conversation tomorrow goes exactly as you hope, whatever that is.
xo
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