Dear friend,
You never asked me how I knew I was in labor.
You never asked me how I got to the hospital.
You never asked me if I was in pain or if they gave me anything for it.
You never asked me who delivered her.
You never asked me who she looked like.
You never asked me how big she was.
You never asked me how we chose her name.
You never asked me why we chose cremation.
You never asked to see her footprints.
You never asked me if my milk came in.
You never asked me how it felt to wake up every morning without her inside me.
You have never asked me how I live each day with no baby, in a baby-full world.
You have never asked me how I'm doing with still not being pregnant again.
You have never asked me if I miss her.
Dear friend, over lunch today I told you in passing about someone I know and her baby who died at full-term. Instantly, you welled with tears. Oh God, that poor woman. Having a daughter of my own, I just can't imagine how she survives. Then you went on about some TV show in which women hand over their children for adoption, and how you cry just thinking about it.
Dear friend,
You never asked me how I survive.
You never said to me, I cannot imagine.
You never pitied me.
You never showed me your tears.
You never showed me your shock.
You never took my hand.
You never offered to just listen.
You never said my daughter's name.
You never even came to my house.
Dear friend, I have been telling you my story for eighteen months, but there is something you don't seem to understand: I HAD A BABY.
Dear friend, I do not get you.
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longing...
"...for the vanished girl her mother searched and visited all lands in turn. Where the girl was she knew not, but she reproached the whole wide world, and in chief the places where she had found the traces of her loss. She roamed the earth over in search of her daughter, by day and by night with torches, from sunrise until sunset, hour by hour. Bitter pain seized Demeter's heart, and she sped like a wild bird over the firm land and yielding sea, seeking her child. But no one would tell her the truth, neither god nor mortal men; and of the birds of omen, none came with true news for her."
- Ovid, Homer, others, me
- Ovid, Homer, others, me
pre-term labor awareness
gifts
17 comments:
Hugs to you for enduring such a thick-headed friend, for enduring all of the above.
It's hard when a friend so lets you down--you can't help but wonder why the hell they are looking right through you.
Sending big hugs and love.
Beautiful post. What a jerk, but a beautiful post. Remembering Angel Mae with you. xo Always.
Oh Sweetheart. I am just broken for this post. It hurts so deeply and hits home for me, too. I am sorry. So sorry. I will say her name outloud. Angel Mae. A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.
I am beyond shocked by this friend...and how you continued to be her friend. This post made me cry. Thank you for being so honest. I have many friends that I wish could read this and truly understand the emotions I feel on a daily basis. Hugs to you.
Hugs. I'm in awe at stupidity of some people. xx
Man, you are very brave and I don't think I would have been at all that calm. In fact, I may have been arrested. I hope she gets a clue, I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
i think that it's ok to cut off people who are this oblivious to your pain and your hurt. i can't express how much i don't understand people like this. it's one thing if they don't get it at all, but when they are upset for other people and not you? that's horrible.
thinking of you and of angel mae. i don't think i've ever told you how much i love her name.
This makes my heart break. This is what gets me so riled up for those of you who had earlier losses. Full term, 20 weeks, 12 weeks, 2 weeks overdue - it doesn't matter. They were our babies and we wanted them and we miss them.
I'm sorry your friend was so..... not a friend.
xo
Oh Jenni how absolutely rotten. I used to know a few unbelievably insensitive people like that. They are gone from my life now.
I think if I were you I might send this post to her as a letter.
Angel Mae deserves so much more.
And so do you.
xxx
wonderful people - thank you for being so indignant on my behalf and for writing my daughter's name here. it does my heart good. :)
i feel i should say - this friend has not been all bad. she has called me more consistently than most other friends. she handled the bills from the hospital when we couldn't bear to look at them. she gets angry on my behalf at some of my medical treatment.
but fundamentally, she views what happened to me as a medical trauma, not as the loss of a child. this post was so good to write because i finally figure that out. that's our fundamental disconnect. and i don't know if i can live with it.
the sad thing is, i could write a similar post about most of my friends from before. in retrospect, most offered me crumbs. but when you are falling into the pit of nothingness, you take the crumbs and are grateful. at least i was. i guess i am starting to re-evaluate now.
Wow, that's so bizarre and awful Jenni. It's good you are finally figuring out where the disconnect is....but so so sad too.
I just wish I could be there with you because crumbs are not enough for you and sweet Angel Mae. Wishing for deep, abundant friendships and support for you...
All my love.
Oh Jenni, this makes me so sad. I'm with Heather, crumbs are not enough. And while there is a spectrum, from those who don't get it all and those who are amazing, I, too, struggle with those in the middle-ish place.
I wish I could take this friend by the shoulders and give her a good shake and say, "Angel Mae was not a medical trauma. She was a loved and wanted baby girl, a daughter and a sister, who is missed by her parents and her big sister. You should've realized that long ago, but I hope you truly get it now."
Much love to you, Jenni. xo
Jenni - I'm so so sorry about all your continuing loss and sadness.
S
Beautiful post and so very true.
What a powerful poem....i certainly resonated with it....My daughter Zoe was born still at 20 weeks and i have fought for 3 1/2 yrs now to justify her life, to validate it, no one gets it unless they have truly been there....I am so sorry for what happened to Angel Mae. I just began a new blog (finally!) and i hope it can be an encouragment to other babyloss moms. So sorry again. Will follow your blog, we mommas have to stick together! Hugs, Hope
www.hopesjourneyblog.blogspot.com
Wow, very well said. There are so many people in my life that I wish would read this. It boggles my mind that people don't realize that we also lost a baby, just because our babies weren't full-term (I lost Jacob at 20 weeks, 5 days).
seriously I'm sitting here 12 years into this baby loss journey with tears streaming down my face!!! OUR BABIES MATTER!!!! I just don't get some people!!!
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