Things have changed since we last spoke. I know why. And I don't. I didn't expect to feel so differently on the other side of her due date.
I thought it would be easier. And in a way, it is. Physically I feel much better, more like I did before. Less pregnant. Less postpartum. There is less waiting, less holding.
Other than that, it is not easier. I realized this when I woke up on Monday the 20th, the first day I could really say: she should have been here. And then a pain in my heart so sharp that I closed... right.. up. Not completely. Just mostly. That's not so bad is it? A little protection. I deserve that, don't I? I have already been grieving for 4 months. It's supposed to get better with time. How could it get... worse?
I don't know. But it has. I'm not ready to totally feel it. I need to build up my strength. I need to find some reserve of sanity before I open my heart completely to feel what is true... right... now.
I'm still in recovery from July. It was crazy. 3 weekends out of town. Lots of kid care. S's hospitalization and diagnosis (lupus with complications). Multiple family visits and vacations. Brian's real estate biz relaunching. My memorial tattoo. A new medical test to that found a recurrence of the nasty polyps that contributed to our baby's death. And oh yeah, her due date.
So my life? I'm phoning it in right now. I'm exhausted. Everything I feel is muted. Like the sound in my right ear, muted by my brand new double ear infection.
I will do some yoga and see if it cracks my heart open a bit. I need to cry, I need to grieve. But mostly I just need to be still, to be alone. To face the void, the storm, and hopefully find some peace in the middle of it. But you know... I'm a parent now. (Whoosh!) I think all that may have to wait until the first day of school.
Unless someone out there would like to start a retreat center/spa for dead baby mamas?
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longing...
"...for the vanished girl her mother searched and visited all lands in turn. Where the girl was she knew not, but she reproached the whole wide world, and in chief the places where she had found the traces of her loss. She roamed the earth over in search of her daughter, by day and by night with torches, from sunrise until sunset, hour by hour. Bitter pain seized Demeter's heart, and she sped like a wild bird over the firm land and yielding sea, seeking her child. But no one would tell her the truth, neither god nor mortal men; and of the birds of omen, none came with true news for her."
- Ovid, Homer, others, me
- Ovid, Homer, others, me
pre-term labor awareness
gifts
4 comments:
Thinking of you. The due date can be so rough. I know that feeling of needing something to "crack your heart open." Wow, that makes so much sense. Peace. And wishing you the stillness you need and deserve.
Yes, yes, and yes. In a way, it's seemed harder since 6 months passed. More of a sinking in, settling feeling that is, at the same time, duller and more pervasive. I'm worn down, tired of being sad. And yet I know it will always be there. Sending love and thinking of beautiful Angel Mae. xo
Jenni, this rang true for me in so many ways. I think if you need to detach and 'phone it in' then go with it.
And, this spa for dbms has been mentioned a few times now, I wish it was real! xx
I'm also very surprised to see how worse grief gets with time. I also thought it would get better. It's not as raw, that's for sure. It's more comfortable than it was at first. But it's also much much deeper. With each day it's a new realization that infact, no, I am not dreaming.
The hope also gets farther away.
I am with you on the spa idea. I've often thought that. Having another child to care for is indeed a blessing, but also takes away from some much necessary "me" time. Processing time. Alone time.
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