bleeding heart goodbyes

I recently wondered aloud what would happen to my body on Angel Mae's due date. We are 4 days from her due date and here I am, bleeding a lot. Should've seen that coming.

I'm having a very, very heavy period. Breaking though. Wearing double pads. Washing the sheets. Canceling my dentist appointment so I don't bleed into their nice chair or have to excuse myself to the ladies' in the middle of a fluoride treatment. Wondering at the public pool how to navigate myself out of conversation with a playdate mommy and into a bathroom stall, while Lilly begs me to swim with her and warm blood seeps across my underwear. I feel a little dizzy, a little unwell. I have navigated myself home to a bed and a laptop.

As my sister said, I don't have to think about this or figure it out. There's nothing to process here. My body is doing its thing, letting go of what it needs to let go of. I just need to stick close to my bed and my shower and my advil and let it happen.

Angel Mae would have been due this Sunday, July 19th. What else will I do but bleed?

Well, my man and I will cry. We'll go here. We'll write thank yous and send some of these to friends and family. I'll make a little photo album and frame this. We'll eat the little strawberries that she asked us to plant, and soon I'll get one these, in the shape of a strawberry.

I imagine there might also be a blog post on Sunday, but I don't know what it will say. I wanted her and she is not here. My grief is as pervasive as stardust, as visceral as a cramp. I don't think words are gonna do it. But for now, let's try this:

We Lovingly Remember Our Angel Mae
Joyfully Expected July 19, 2009
Born into Heaven February 28, 2009
Missed in Our Arms, Held in Our Hearts