Christmas week was a lesson in how raw I still am. Also in how fat I am, and how much in need of a new haircut and new clothes I am. I'm not sure how much longer I can take feeling this way. But "feeling better" is tricky for babylost people.
New Years Eve has long been sacred to me. I don't like to go out and party. I like to stay in and journal and meditate and make mini-bonfires and mark this shift into the future. Then I like to drink champagne and eat takeout.
I often write down elements of my life from the past year, or past generally, on strips of paper and burn them in a ritual letting-go. Despite the awfulness of 2009, I couldn't think of anything to let go of today. Too much good wrapped in with the bad. Too much of absolutely everything tangled up with Angel Mae. And strong sense that whatever happened this year was my fate. You don't get rid of your fate by burning it in a pot with some lavender and sage.
Also my "New Year" isn't going to happen until March 1, when we roll past the one year anniversary of meeting her. Time remains suspended until then. And maybe beyond.
So instead, today I journaled and read and burned some candles, and I wrote this prayer.
* * * * * * *
Let me heal from this loss, but never cure it.
Let me heal from this loss, but not get over it.
Let me heal from this loss, but not forget it.
Let me heal from this loss without leaving it behind.
Let my cells heal and my heart open.
Let me walk in strength and welcome what comes.
Let me heal from the inside, let the outside unfold as it will.
Let me heal from this loss while I carry her with me.
Let whatever I require for healing appear now.
* * * * * * *
I should say, I am not much of a pray-er any more. I don't pray for stuff, for outcomes. I also don't pray for protection. That all seems laughable to me now. But I'm not totally spiritually bereft. I do believe that some kind of healing is possible, and that our human job is to keep our hearts from closing up. (See: Book of Job.)
So that's my prayer for 2010. I'm sharing it here, because it's also my prayer for my babylost companions. Thinking of you all as we flip the calendar.
Thursday, December 31
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6 comments:
It's a beautiful prayer, Jenni (this also from a non pray-er)
Thinking of you, hoping that 2010 brings you joy.
x
Beautiful. Sending much love and many blessing for 2010. (So glad to see this year pass!) XO
It's lovely Jenni and I hope 2010 is much kinder to us all than 2009has been. (((Hugs)))
Thinking of you, too. (with the calendar already flipped here!)
Love to you for 2010.
xo
A beautiful prayer, Jenni. I don't pray either, but I love your description of believing in healing.
I hope 2010 is a better year and I hope it brings everything you need to heal. Sending much love.
A beautiful, honest, and spot-on prayer.
I think the issue of prayer is one of the things I struggled with the most after Micah died. I prayed for his healing. SO MANY people prayed for his healing and yet God chose to take him from me. I will never fully understand that. It took me awhile to pray at all. And I certainly am still very careful/intentional about what I pray for. I just don't really know yet what my role in prayer is if God has a plan already and doesn't really need my input. I pray reservedly for my boys but the prayers that do come out are earnest and desperate. I think, though, that I am beginning to see that maybe this is exactly what my role is in prayer. Just laying my heart out before God and asking Him to be with me and to guide me and, ultimately, to protect my family. I sit by the boys as they sleep and cry out to God to make Himself known to them, that they would feel Him closely and know Him intimately. I pray that He would keep them whole in body and heart and mind and spirit. And I pray that God would help me to hold them with open hands even though my every inclination is to grasp them tightly.
I am not sure if you wanted to know all that. I just wanted to say that as a fellow grieving mama, I struggle with prayer too. But I think God understands and meets us where we are.
Love to you!
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