ssshhhhhh

It's quiet in here. I thought November would be my month off from blogging--but all that writing energy spilled over. This month I feel quiet. I haven't been writing here, or commenting much on other's posts. I want you all to know, though, that I am still reading and sending love.

My energy always goes underground at this time of year. Solstice is a vortex that draws my thoughts and feelings down and in. I've learned to stop resisting it; it's perfectly natural, like the movement of tree sap.

It has not been all bad around here. There's been hot chocolate and advent calendar readings. There's been December football and a gift wrapping binge. Our tree is so beautiful that I now dread taking it down more than I ever dreaded putting it up. I once found myself singing Jingle Bell Rock alone in the car.

There has also been news; I was cleared by my doctor to "try" again. The progesterone pills have done their job. My uterine lining appears a little weird, but no real polyps, no resection needed. My uterine shape is a little weird, but no surgery needed. My ACL antibodies are still slightly elevated, but not enough for a definitive diagnosis. (Some day I'll write another post about the joys of being a "normal variant".)

We can, and will, see more doctors, but we kind of know what they will say. They certainly won't tell me why my pregnancy with Angel Mae failed. They can't. There isn't a reason, and there are five or six reasons. As my RE said with tears in her eyes, "I think you just got unlucky." Indeed.

Likewise, no one can tell me how to make our next pregnancy safer. But if you live in the land of the lost, you already knew that.

So I am quiet, processing all of this which passes for "good news" in my world. We are as ready as we will ever be. I may go off the pills today.

Meanwhile Christmas is tomorrow. As Brian says, "Christmas is coming! And there's nothing we can do to stop it." Poor guy. He has been an absolute rock. He recognizes that any little holiday thing we get done is a victory, so we cheer one another on. (Yay! We ate cookies and watched Rudolph. Good job!)

How do you stay present to this love and loss while also feeling Christmasy? Me, I've been alternately cranky with grief and then full of cheer. The other day I lit a candle for Lucia Paz and burned frankincense for Angel Mae and had a good cry, then loaded up on chocolate at Tra.der Jo.es. We hung two ornaments with her name on them, one sent sweetly by my mother. I thought about a stocking for her but really can't bear it. Instead we sent baby clothes to Doing Good In Her Name.

I think we've done all we can do, all we have energy for. Christmas is coming, and there's nothing we can do to stop it. I'm home alone today with the tree lights. I'll do as the season dictates--sit quietly in the midwinter hush and wait.

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Best holiday wishes to you and your families. Peace, peace, let there be peace.