I've been exhausted for the last two weeks - like someone punched a slow leak in my life force. Yesterday was bad - I lost my bank card for five minutes and completely melted down. Today is okay, today is better. That seems to be how it goes, still. The anticipation is worse.
I want to be better than this this year. I want the holidays to be reasonably okay. I want to feel like me. But I don't get a choice in the matter. What a strange thing. These grief attacks have become like a virus. They creep up on me and knock me out for a few days, and I don't see them coming any more.
I no longer know what will trigger me - the obvious things that used to knock me flat don't hurt nearly as much now. Sometimes there are no triggers at all that I can see - just a slow build up of frustration and irritation and struggle that results in restless sleep and sobbing under a throw on the couch and pitching a fit about my bank card.
Granted, I am cooking my first turkey ever for my family on Thanksgiving. I suppose that could be a trigger. But I don't feel worried about the turkey. The turkey will be fine. So will the mash and the gravy and the winter squash. I will get all these things done. The meal will be fine. I just don't know if I will be fine. I am damn tired of carrying this weight around - this weight that gets heavier at the holidays, no matter how determined I am to be cheerful.
It helps to write it down here. This way, I won't think about it so much over the next hour. And next Thanksgiving I will, I hope, be able to look back and read this and say, well, at least I feel better than that.
I have a lot to be thankful for - and I am. I love my family. I love my house. I love that we are surviving this recession reasonably well. I love our mountain and being surrounded by farms and living close to family. I love that we will have local pie and turkey and eggnog on our table today, and that Brian got the fire going at 7am this morning. I am grateful for all these things. I just wish my grief would notice and give my body a break.
Wishing everyone a slice of peace and contentment today, along with your slice of pie. xo
Thursday, November 25
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9 comments:
Wishing you peace & strength today, hope that all goes smoothly with the Thanksgiving meal and you feel a bit of relief from the weight ((hugs))
thinking of you
and sending and wishes for your day to go well
love you,
teri
Much love to you on this tough holiday, and difficult holiday time. I hope you too are able to delve into a slice of peace and contentment today.
Wish I could enjoy turkey and pie with you.
Happy thanksgiving. I sure did have a nice Thursday.
xo
Today felt very lonely and broken here, even with people I love in the house. I ended up going somewhere quiet and reading through your posts quite a ways back.
I'm so glad you write. I know you may not always feel like doing it, and that someday it may not be what you want anymore and you may decide to stop. That's all okay - I'm just glad you're here now, and for as long as you want to be.
I wish there were more people like you in the world...more people who know what you know and know how to say it the way you do.
Today some several-states-away relatives wanted to have a cheerful holiday chat over the computer, and I just couldn't pull it off. I can't hear one more time that I "look so good." No one wants to know how things are on the inside; just to assume they must be fine because the outside looks fine. At least, it looks fine to them. Or for some reason they pretend it does.
I really appreciate the way you don't pretend.
I'm thoroughly sad that your Angel Mae is not in your arms today. I wish she were - far, far less than you wish it, obviously. Angel Mae, you have a really great mother. Because of her we get to know you and we are really glad.
Thanks for what you contribute to the world by your writing. You make a difference.
Cathy in Missouri
I hope you do have a better year next year. Just try to be easy on yourself. I don't think we really have all that much control over our grief. It will lessen when we are ready.
I'm not doing well with the holidays, as I knew I wouldn't. I too just hope that next year is easier. I'm thinking of you and hoping you find some moments of peace and comfort.
Reading this, Jenni, I feel like we're in a similar place. The virus analogy is perfect. Love to you xx
Hope the day was better than expected. Hope you are doing okay.
I find the breakdowns without an obvious trigger frustrating. It's hard enough to lose it and know what set you off, but I just feel like I'm falling apart when I breakdown without an obvious trigger.
The grief and the holidays are just plain tricky.
And this subtle grief is so difficult...
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