lying fallow

In the last week I've found myself sitting with a question that many babylost bloggers seem to come to eventually: what should I do with this space?

When I started writing here, my purpose was to document as much of my grief as possible, because I felt that the grieving would be the only parenting I would get to do. I had so little of my baby girl left--having all the horrible loss and beautiful love written down someplace almost felt like having a little more of her left to me.

My secondary purpose was to find you. All you other loss mamas out there. I didn't want to be alone, and I haven't been. Thank you so much for that. So much.

And it was a way to carve out a space for her somewhere, out there, outside of my own heart.

But I haven’t liked the direction of my writing here lately. I am infertile and this has become the place where I bitch about my infertility. I’m not knocking that—I think it’s really important for everyone struggling with loss and infertility to have a place to have their say. But what I wanted was for this place to be for and about my baby, Mae, and lately I’ve been junking it up with a lot of anger and anxiety. It doesn’t feel right to me.

So I’m considering what to do here. I may start a new blog to help me work out the infertility part of this journey, and keep that separate from where I write about my daughter. Or I might start new blog space to just share my life—all aspects of it—as a loss mom, a stepmom, an infertile woman, a sister, a daughter, a wife, a city-to-country transplant, a fundraiser, a wanna-be-writer, a cook, a sports fan, a hammock-swinger… Maybe’ll just post photos instead of words for a while. I’m not sure yet. If I’m silent here, it’s because I’m still working it out.

It’s also because I’m writing offline. I’m taking a fiction writing workshop, and I want to channel what writing energy I do have in that direction for now, to see if I can make anything of it.

I’m grateful to my daughter for that. Grateful to this space for that. This deep grieving has unlocked my heart for writing. Reminded me that life is short, that nothing is handed to us, that anything I want I am going to have to fight for. She gave me that gift, and I feel like I owe it to her to go after my dreams when and how I can. Right now I dream of finishing the novel I started 18 months ago, just as much as I dream of having her sibling.

Those are my preoccupations—a book and a baby. Both dreams derive from Angel Mae’s short time with me. So even though they take me away from this space, they don’t take me away from her. I don’t know where she is, and I don’t like to ascribe intent or magical powers or even emotions to her, but somehow I can feel her pushing me. Even when I feel weak and grieved, I can feel how she has made me strong.

I’m not ready to say goodbye to this blog yet, because it is her space. But I think I’m going to let it lie fallow for a while. Maybe she’ll help me to decide what it should be. If you are looking for me, you can still find me on email, at Glow, on the swap site, or on the book of face. Meanwhile, thank you for reading here and for all the warmth and understanding you’ve poured out to me. I’m so grateful to have met you.