This has been a very, very hard year. I was going to post some deep thoughts about it, but I'm so tired from this very hard year that I may not have the energy.
Let's just say that even if we had not conceived Angel Mae on our wedding night, struggled through a confusing and scary pregnancy, and ultimately lost our daughter, this still would have been a difficult first year.
Learning to step-parent full-time. Being unemployed. Coping with other losses, illnesses, and hospitalizations in our family. These are some of the challenges alluded to in wedding vows that one hopes will show up later in marriage, not, you know, in the first week.
We've coped well, I think. We still like each other. Love each other. We are still married. Still doing our best for Lilly. Still going on dates. Still paying the bills. It's just that it feels like, as my sister says, we deserve a parade for doing what most normal married people do every day.
And the upshot is, I wanted to be happier on our anniversary than I actually was. I wanted to say, "Wow, babe, what a great year that was!" To tell him how happy he has made me. All those things we deserve to say and feel on such a wonderful occasion.
No such luck. We're sad. We're tired. We feel pretty screwed. Babyloss steals anniversary joy. Just one more thing we've lost this year. Pretty pissed at the Universe about that. And a little guilty too. Brian deserves better than that, for sure. He is a very good man, and I love him very much.
It was a nice anniversary weekend, though. Got some R&R on Saturday. On Sunday we returned to our wedding site, a local farm property that is gorgeous in the fall. We took a nice hike, then went to brunch at our reception site. Yesterday Brian bought me long-stemmed roses and chocolate truffles and organic cotton flannel sheets (genius!). Lilly on the sly bought us the sweetest anniversary card and addressed it to "VIP" - Very Important Pair. Adorable.
I hope that someday I'll be able to remember our wedding with pure pleasure - because it was a purely pleasurable day. That I'll be able honor that moment that brought Brian, Lilly and Angel Mae fully into my life, without feeling the grief and stress and fear that came piling on behind. I think I just have to wait for time to do its work and build some space between emotions. For time to build us all some new memories.
In the meantime, a few shots from the day.
10 comments:
It sounds like a lovely weekend.
Wishing you the space you need so that you can find that pleasure and joy in your wedding memories.
Lovely pictures.
What a tough first year, Jenni. My cousin, who had also had a first year full of tough experiences, recently told me that she read that couples who experience challenges early on have stronger relationships than the average couple.
The pictures are gorgeous, you are a stunning pair. I hope year two brings more peaceful and joyful days to you both and to Lily. xo
You look so beautiful. It isn't the first year you deserve, Jenni, but it sounds like you are aware of how trying all of this can be on a marriage. I sometimes wonder how couples survive this experience of losing their child. We get through it like everything else. Hoping to be stronger. With love.
You look so beautiful and happy. I hope you can find a sliver of that happiness again in your future. You deserve that.
Love you guys.
I can't believe it's already been a year and at the same time that it's only been a year.
Glad you could get away for a bit. Lovely present Brian picked out!
Hugs...
Oh my goodness, what a first year. You were a beautiful bride and the pictures are so full of love. I wish you had a happier first year, of course, but if you made it through these challenges and still have love and laughter despite the sorrow, well, that's amazing. Here's to many more years of love and kindness.
What beautiful photographs. You look absolutely stunning.
I'm so sorry Jenni. It seems as though so many joys disappeared alongside our daughters.
You've made it through such a difficult year. I agree with your sister, you do deserve a parade. xo
You lovely pair, we love you both so much - and Lil too.
And when I read this, I thought, shit, I keep forgetting about the unemployment - pales against everything but still, ack! Stress.
Still, the anniversary itself deserves celebrating because you are together, grieving, loving, parenting and finding your way.
I'm sorry your first year of marriage had so many difficulties.
We also conceived just after our wedding and our first year of marriage was full of a complex pregnancy and grief. Our anniversary is coming up in less than a month and I can't imagine I'll feel like celebrating either. I wish I did. I never saw the 'for worse' part coming so early in our marriage.
Maddie x
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