Am I this stressed out and pissed off because the holidays are freakin' crazy (and so is Lilly's end of year schedule, and Brian is skipping town for five of the next ten days, and, and, and...)? Or is it because my daughter is not here?
There's no answer to this question, but it sort of encapsulates the complications of daily life after loss. I am constantly asking myself, "Is this a normal response to this situation? Or is this the grief?"
I don't really have anything else to say about that. It's just a question that's there now, all the time.
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longing...
"...for the vanished girl her mother searched and visited all lands in turn. Where the girl was she knew not, but she reproached the whole wide world, and in chief the places where she had found the traces of her loss. She roamed the earth over in search of her daughter, by day and by night with torches, from sunrise until sunset, hour by hour. Bitter pain seized Demeter's heart, and she sped like a wild bird over the firm land and yielding sea, seeking her child. But no one would tell her the truth, neither god nor mortal men; and of the birds of omen, none came with true news for her."
- Ovid, Homer, others, me
- Ovid, Homer, others, me
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8 comments:
it's the new normal.
we are yet again having a very, very low-key holiday. This year my sister will actually be here, which is something new.
And the things about this holiday that I am most looking forward to? Getting to go see the Harry Potter film and using up a gift certificate to a fancy restaurant while my sis is here to babysit.
So, like you, I wonder, "Is it odd that what I am looking forward to has nothing to do with xmas?"
And I can tell you, that second holiday after the death is hard is so many different ways than the first year.
I seem to be asking myself that same question quite often.
I don't suppose there is an answer.
xxx
I ask myself this all the time. And I think, personally, the answer is normally grief. I don't respond to situations the same way I once did.
xo
I ask this question a lot too.
Oh Jenni. I ask myself the same question. I think that grief has frayed my edges a little and things that wouldn't have stressed me out and pissed me off before, now do. Because I've got less patience or something? Just less in general or less of everything perhaps?
I hope you feel less stressed soon.
It's my strategy that when ever I feel generally cranky and pissed off, I blame the grief. For the most part, it's usually true. But even if it isn't, you might as well use your crappy life circumstances as an excuse which would imply that if things had gone well, you would never be cranky or pissed off.
Hi Jenni- I am new to your blog but have linked over from glow. Thank you for writing and sharing as you do.. it brings a light into the dark corner for a fellow bereaved like myself.
I too ask myself this question, and as you seem to say- there is no answer. Lately I feel as though the only response I get is... It just is.
much grace to you.. Leslie
Greif has a way of tinting things.
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