Today, for love, I am not taking a nasal decongestant. Also, last night I managed to get my mojo on despite the headache and the oh so attractive sniffles and pile of used white tissues.
A head cold has arrived, along with a mountain of work I've been waiting on for a month, and... ovulation. (Timing is everything.) I'd like to dry my nose up for a bit, but that would dry other things up too, and we've decided to take a shot this week, because, well, you never know.
As I've mentioned, it seems pretty unlikely that we will conceive on our own, though at this point there is no convincing reason why. We are looking at starting IVF in a couple of months. In the meantime, we are taking a holiday from thinking about it. No drugs, no doctor's appointments, no test strips. Just - a breather.
I feel good about this. I feel better. The intensity... well, it was making my head explode. Eventually we'll get back to really trying, and I'll take the drugs, and we'll do whatever we have to do. Because it is for love. But for right now, I'm enjoying just not worrying about it.
I have started doing yoga again. And drinking my herbal teas and taking walks. It's amazing how much easier it is for me to take care of my own body when I'm not actively thinking of it as someone else's death trap. I'm hoping the next couple of months will balance me out--some reasonably good self-care, some not-quite-so-insanely-worrisome thoughts about a subsequent pregnancy--so that I can approach the IVF rollercoaster with a modicum of mental health.
They say, of course, that reducing stress and thinking positively increases our chances. To which I want to say, "fuck you," because it is so unfair that that is even remotely true. So I am not even going to think about it (ha! as I avoid my decongestant).
It's fine. There is enough on my plate. Holidays, head cold, papers to edit, some dearly beloved projects that need my time... that is plenty for now without worrying about where the next child is coming from and where the last child has gone to. We'll keep doing the little things we do, to grieve one and try for the other. Or is it vice versa?
Also I will try to write here more. I've gotten it into my head that it would be nice to hit 100 posts by the end of this year.
Thursday, December 2
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3 comments:
We are TTC too. It has been an uphill battle - to say the least.
Practical advice for your nose; do you have a Netti pot? I highly recommend them, even if it does briefly mimic the sensation of drowning. It clears you up and doesn't dry you out.
Glad you're finding ways to be good to yourself, it can be incredibly stressful traveling down this path and it's important to find those ways to bring both healing and comfort to our bodies. Sending positive thoughts and hope your way.
Sending so much love. TTC is hard enough as it is, but to be TTC with all you've been through and at this hectic time of year, it is no wonder it all seems too much.
Sending soothing cups of tea and hot baths - via the internets.
xo
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