island

After yesterday's fiasco, my husband and I met up at home for a minute to regroup. I came through the door crying, and he put his arms around me and said, "We need an island," at the same moment that I said, "I hate everyone."

"We need an island," is Brian's response to the things that drive us crazy, to a world that just doesn't seem to work sometimes. We'll stay on planet Earth, but we'd like our own little island, please. And you all can come visit.

Here's what happened: I went to my doctor's office for my followup appointment after Angel Mae's pre-term delivery and death. And they didn't have me in their appointment book. They had cancelled my appointment without contacting me. The receptionist treated my presence like a nuisance. When I told her why I was there, what the appointment was for, she said "Oh." And she rolled her eyes and made a stink when I called Brian to tell him not to bother meeting me there.

I lasted about 2 minutes at the reception desk before going to my car to cry. I'm sure there's something I could have said to get help, to express my displeasure, to demand better service and maybe get the problem solved. But I didn't have it in me. I was/am feeling angry, neglected, helpless, and scared.

There are all kinds of questions I need to ask. Among them: what does it say in my medical records about the cause of the pre-term labor? What are the results of the visual autopsy? Is there anything anyone can tell me about why this happened? What do they think about my chances of having another baby? How would they manage a future pregnancy?

I think somebody saw in my file that I delivered early and cancelled my future appointments. Just wiped me right out. Well she's not pregnant anymore, so she's not really our responsibility. Whoops, baby died, better take her off the books. I no longer exist. I got a sympathy call from one of the midwives in my office a couple of weeks ago. I haven't heard anything from my OB. Nothing.

I shouldn't be surprised. I'll post another time about the number of doctors I saw during this pregnancy, the amount of contradictory info we received, and about when my OB said, "We're kind of surprised you haven't miscarried yet." Best medical care in the world? Not so much.

So I'm feeling pretty hung out to dry right now. Brian is going to call their office today. He's got more fight in him than I do.

Did I mention that when I called Brian he was being ticketed for an illegal left turn - that was not illegal last week? There was a cop waiting at the far end of the block to catch people who missed the new sign. We need an island.