baby sawyer, or holy crap did i just ovulate?

This morning I woke feeling crampy, hormonal and, er, damp. This was common right after the birth but hasn't happened in a couple of weeks. I had an early morning delirious thought that I had gotten my period. I went to the bathroom to check, but no sign of anything.

Then this evening I used the bathroom and there was a great deal of, er, cool dampness and, er, eggwhite, as is typical for me when I ovulate. Ovulate? It has been just over one month. Is this even possible? (Doula sister says yes.) Could it just be the result of all the postpartum hormonal madness?

Here's the thing. Brian and I, er, resumed marital relations over the weekend. With not so much protection. Because I've had no signs at all of a normal cycle. Just postpartum hormonal madness. And, er, it had been a while. A long while. And we're newlyweds. So...

Of course the odds are totally against my getting pregnant right this instant. But I am noticing that the idea of getting pregnant again, even this soon, is making me pretty happy. I refer you to the hormonal madness referenced above. But still, it's not just that. I think I might be feeling hope.

And I haven't been feeling much of that lately. Especially today, when I spent time online reading about preterm labor and my increased chances for losing another baby if we try again. Especially today, when I ended up weeping in the shower at the idea that my body is not a safe place for a baby.

And then there was the eggwhite and I'm noticing that, despite my fear, if I were to get pregnant again, right now, in this moment, I would feel happy. And I would do everything I could to take care of myself, to educate myself, to fight to keep this one.

This might be a good time to mention Sawyer. Sawyer might be a spiritbaby who has not yet arrived. Or he might be an invention of my pregnancy-addled brain.

When I first got pregnant, I was pretty sure it was a boy. As was Brian. As were a few other very intuitive people in my life. And we started imagining ahead of the facts and looking at names. And I was picking up the energy and the personality of this little boy named Sawyer. He's kind of an old fashioned kid, with an old fashioned name. Verbal, adventuresome, contemplative. Can't you see him toddling down the sidewalk in little overalls, scraping a stick along a white picket fence, lost in his thoughts?

Anyway, when our baby started moving and kicking I was no longer sure who was in there, although I could feel her playful and mysterious energy. And then we got "Maybe a girl" from the tech and "Almost definitely a girl" from the MFM. So I knew it wasn't this little Sawyer person we'd imagined but someone else entirely.

Since the birth, I have had dreams both about Angel Mae and about Sawyer. They are two distinct spirits, energies, when they come to me in my sleep. Right after the birth I would sometimes wake having dreamt of holding one or the other of them to my breast.

So I wonder if Sawyer really is a little soul out there waiting to come to us... Whether spirit, ghost, or figment of addled brain, Sawyer is a lure - silvery, shiny, dancing out there ahead of me, leading me on through the cold, dark water. I may never catch up to him. He may never be mine. But he's incentive to swim, not sink. He's hope, like the eggwhite. Right now I'll take my hope where I can find it.