At midnight it will be one month since Angel Mae was born and died. Exactly 4 weeks ago from right now as I write this, things started to go very wrong.
I'm trying not to relive it. I'm exhausted and achey just from getting through this day, and I don't want to put myself through too much active remembering, even though it is all right here with me all the time. It's too much for my body, and I know it will be a dive off the deep end into guilt and regret and shame. There's a well of that waiting for me to jump in and explore.
4 weeks ago if I had handled things differently, if I had acted more quickly, if I had had more information, would I still be pregnant right now? Maybe. Maybe not. Would I feel more like I had done everything I could to save her? Maybe. Maybe not.
I can't tackle those feelings tonight. I'm too sad, too tired. And I just miss her, miss her, miss her, miss her, miss her.
A couple weeks ago I submitted her name to the Shrine of the Holy Innocents in New York City. I'm not Catholic, and also I guess it's possible that the founding of this shrine was politically motivated, if you know what I mean. But I don't much care. It's another place her name is written down and sometimes read. It's another place she and we are prayed for.
The shrine sent us a certificate acknowledging her life. It says:
"I will never forget you. See, upon the palms of My hands I have written your name." (Isaiah 49:15-16)
Yes.
Friday, March 27
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1 comments:
Jenni,
I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Angel Mae. (I saw your post at Glow.) Tonight is two months since we lost our Cayden, and I will tell you that I feel better tonight than I did at one month, but I remember the deep, unbearable ache and the gush of tears when I realized it'd been one month since we lost our baby boy. I'm thinking of you tonight and sending you much love.
xo-Paige
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