birthday girl minus one

Last night in bed I said to Brian, "Our little girl is 10! Wow!"

I absolutely meant it. And then it felt disingenuous. She's not mine. I've only been her stepmom for 6 months. Under better/different/other circumstances, her real mom would have been the one in that bed saying, "Wow!" and reminiscing about her transformation from infant to preschooler to school girl to pre-teen. Remembering the day she was born.

I wasn't there the day she was born. I missed it. I missed most of her little girlhood, too. There was a little bit last summer. In the photos from our wedding last fall she still looks like a little kid. But now the pre-teen years are absolutely here, with the pimples and the sports bras and the growth spurts and the spinny, spinny emotional confusion. On Tuesday we took her out to get her hair bobbed and her ears pierced. She's thrilled, and carrying herself differently.

In a few minutes I have to go put a cake in the oven and start wrapping presents. And make a Home Depot run to buy plants for the "gardening party" this afternoon. Brian will be ref'ing 12 girls in the backyard as they plant and throw horseshoes and play badminton. It's the 10th party for them but the first for me. First birthday party I am throwing for my own little girl.

And I'm so, so sad. I will never get to throw a birthday party for Angel Mae. I will never lie in bed with her dad saying, wow, our little girl is 1, 2, 3, 5, 10... In all of Lilly's birthdays to come, Angel Mae will never be here to celebrate with her sister, to mess with her stuff, to be fawned over by the grownup girls. Even this year she's missing all the cake I'm going to eat. Our family life is happening, and she's missing it. She's just never going to be here and there's nothing we can do about it. She's just missing it.

I can't stop feeling sad--and guilty. This is Lilly's day. I want to be totally present and focused and into it on her special double digits day. The party will be fun, and we'll fill her up with cake and ice cream, and give her her new bike. I know we love each other, and I know that I am going to have a special role in her life as she grows into a young woman. I want to really celebrate with her.

But the sadness is here. I can't help it. It's our uninvited party guest. It will wrap itself around me today, as I ice the cake and blow up balloons. And when the party starts I'll put it in a box and tie it up with a bow and put it aside for a few hours.

In the meantime, Happy Birthday, Lilly. I love you so much. It's an honor to watch you grow. And I promise I will always be here for you.