the eggiest day of the year

Happy Easter everyone. Does anyone else find themselves surrounded by fertility symbols this morning? I'm staring into Lilly's Easter basket and I see small ovular jellybeans, foil wrapped chocolate eggs, Cadbury eggs with real sugar yolks... On the table we have cascarones filled with confetti, hardboiled eggs dyed two ways, and my favorite traditional Easter baked goodness: a nest of egg-shaped sweet bread, iced and sprinkled. We call it eggy bread.

It's the eggiest time of the year. No wonder, then, about my fertility dream last night. I dreamt I was pregnant, and I was carrying the baby in my brain. That's right, my brain. I looked at the image on ultrasound and there it was - a little peanut, 8 or 10 weeks along, floating inside my head, its umbilical wrapped around my brainstem. Then I was walking with my sister, holding my belly saying, "I really think I can carry this baby to term!" And then I remembered that there was no baby in my belly, and that Angel Mae was gone, and the dream melted into my waking life.

I don't know who is that baby in my brain. Maybe it represents Angel Mae and where she lives in me now. Or maybe it's a future baby. Or just the idea of baby. That cord around my brainstem feels real though. All things baby have twined themselves tight around the base of my thoughts and feelings; they have a grip on me. I don't want them to let go.

And then there's this: I got my period yesterday. I have heard that the first period after a loss can be hard. Mostly I feel just relieved that it's here, that I only had to wait 6 weeks. I'm 37 and I wondered, you know, will it come back? Or is this the end of the line? Also, if we try again, we need to wait a few cycles. So here's a cycle. Which puts us closer to trying.

So here we are, on the day of eggs, the day of renewal, the day of new life. With no new baby on the way. I'd give anything to be walking into church this Easter morning with Angel Mae in my belly, full of new life. Instead I'll try to stand this day of being surrounded by eggs, bunnies, lambies, symbolic pregnancies and small cuteness of all kinds. And we'll see what comes of that baby in my brain.

Meanwhile, I've got my own, much less pretty, renewal going on. My period is here, cleaning house, releasing old stuff, resetting the clock. Will I get a pregnancy do-over? Who knows. But I can start charting again. I have a new Day One.

PS: Looking for an energetic fertility boost? Being surrounded by eggs isn't enough? Here's some info on Ostara, the fertility goddess. Apparently both "Easter" and "estrogen" come from her name. Hm.