the body shop: glow in the woods 7x7 meme

There's a community of babylost moms and dads over at Glow in the Woods who are writing together, trying to figure out what the hell has happened to them and what comes next. Here's my response to their latest meme, The Body Shop:

1 | Give us a few words you would have used to describe your body, your health or your sense of physical vitality before the experience of babyloss—and a few that you’d use to describe it now.

Before: capable, curvy, healthy, more grounded, seeking balance
Now: puffy, chilly, depleted, achey, confused, craving, ungrounded

2 | What do you do to take care of yourself? Has this changed?

Water therapy (hot showers, salt baths, jacuzzis), teas and potions from my herbalist, sleep. I usually eat pretty well (lots of natural foods, veggies, etc.) but that's dropped off a lot even since my transition into family life last fall. Then the pregnancy, and at first I couldn't eat much, and then craved only pasta and peanut butter and honey sandwiches. And now this. So I'm not eating much or nearly as well as I once did. I know it would help if I could get back to it.

3 | Give us one or two words to describe sex or physical intimacy before, and then after the loss of your baby.

Before pregnancy: edgey, heart-centered, i-can't-believe-my-luck sex
During pregnancy: very much missed and anticipated
After the loss: intense, comforting, i'm-so-glad-you're-here sex (but less than we thought there'd be)

4 | Has loss and/or grief left a physical mark on you (a scar, a chronic condition, insomnia, a tattoo)?

Linea nigra is still here. Oddly, it didn't fully appear until after her birth - the wonder of hormones. The loss has left my body stranded somewhere between maidenhood and motherhood, between youth and middle age. Saggy in some parts, toned in others. Youthful face, many more lines and greys. I will be getting a tattoo sometime around her due date.

5 | Do you medicate or control your emotions with food, wine, altered states, prescriptions? Without judgment, what have you gravitated towards in an effort to heal, and how do you feel about it?

Brownies, nutella, chocolate mint chip ice cream. As much as I want. Good for the serotonin. An occasional drink, but I usually feel even lower the next morning. I was drinking skullcap tea (herbal stuff), which I call valium xtra xtra lite. Need me some more of that! I'm very aware, from experience, that the altered states escape is temporary - and waking up in the mornings is tough enough as it is. Occasional cigarette craving but not going there.

6 | Was physical healing important for you in the first year after your loss? What did/does physical healing entail and how did/do you work towards it? If physicality hasn't been a priority for you, what do you do that makes you feel stronger or more able to cope?

Yes, in terms of body chemistry. Some wonderful people in my life are on "depression watch" with me, since it runs in my family. Giving myself permission to seek physical comfort from the beginning has been critical - heat, water therapy, cozy blankets, hugs, chocolate, tea, sleep. This stuff helps with the hormone crash and gives my body a chance to make serotonin. Also the herbal brews and such help with balance. Not working out yet. I hope that will come. Swimming has been nice.

7 | If you could change anything about your body and/or health, what would it be? What would it feel like to be either at peace with your body, or at peace with this babylost state?

In my fantasy world? Either instantly lose 10 lbs and become svelte, strong, sexy. Or instantly be pregnant again, with swelling boobs and belly, all the round ligament pain you can throw at me, and months of weight gain, back aches, and insomnia to look forward to. Anything other than this in-between-ness would be better.