Term.ination is a sensitive topic. I'm going to talk about it here. If it's a trigger for you or makes you uncomfortable, please don't feel obliged to read on. Also, this is pretty long post. And although I can't imagine anyone who reads here regularly leaving an uncivil comment, I may turn the comments off if there is too much unwanted drama. Thanks.
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I don't know if any of ya'll are sports fans, but I always watch a certain big football game, which aired last night. Though a true Pats fan, I was thrilled to root for the Saints, and they won! Of course, following the game hype has meant following the drama of Tim Te.bow's p.ro-l.ife Su.per Bo.wl ad.
Two ads aired last night, and I think Sl.ate Mag.azine described them best:
"This is a Su.per B.owl ad in which the entirety of the message is that Ti.m Te.bow's mommy loves him. It's sort of like when your mom bought that half-page spread in the program for your elementary school graduation—except this cost $2.5 million, reached a national audience, and was paid for by someone else."
Before I go on, let me say that I have nothing against the Te.bows, except that Tim can't take a snap under center. Otherwise he seems like a really good guy, if not a really exceptional person. I have no problem with his family being religious and missionaries. (My own father was a church pastor, and we very nearly became a missionary family in Africa, which would have been awesome.) And while I do have problems with Ja.mes Do.bson, I don't have a problem with Tim and his mom going on TV and saying. "Family is nice." I guess I don't have a problem with anyone going on TV and saying "Don't have an abortion," because this is America, and we are free to do that. Although I'd prefer to hear it from a medical professional or a spiritual figure, rather than a Gai.nesv.ille Gat.or.
Before I go on, full disclosure: I consider myself p.ro-cho.ice and 15 years ago I had an ab.or.tion. More on that in a minute.
So, if I don't have a problem with the ad, what's my problem? I read, also in Sl.ate, the back story on the family's motivation for the ad:
"The story, apparently, is about Tim's birth in 1987, when his parents were missionaries in the Philippines. According to Pam's account in the Gainesville Sun, she contracted amoebic dysentery and went in a coma shortly before the pregnancy. To facilitate her recovery, she was given heavy-duty drugs. Afterward, doctors told her the fetus was damaged. They diagnosed her with placental abruption, a premature separation of the placenta from the uterine wall. They predicted a stillbirth and recommended abortion. But Pam was against abortion, and she had faith in God. She refused. Today, her reward is a healthy, athletic, stellar son."
OMG.
I feel awful for her. Many of us can imagine the horror of that situation. Not knowing if your baby is going to live or die. The guilt, the stress. Not knowing what kind of life your child will have, or for how long. But she and her family made a personal choice about how to handle their very difficult situation. And her baby lived. She is glad she did not ter.minate. That is nice for her.
Now it looks to me like this p.ro-li.fe ad is not aimed at reducing the number of abortions due to "teen pregnancy" or "bad morals" or "those damn women." Instead it is targeting families facing A Heartbreaking Choice--me.dical ter.mina.tion due to their babies being injured or very sick.
I don't think I could be angrier. Does Ja.mes Do.bson really think that mothers carrying wanted but sick babies haven't already thought of all the reasons to choose life? And contemplated what that life will look like for their precious son or daughter? Does he think they are bad mommies for weighing the odds and not wanting their child to suffer? Does he think they do not weep when their baby's life ends? Is he saying that if they choose life and pray hard enough, their baby will live? To be a star athlete?
Many families with sick babies choose to carry them to term regardless of outcome. They may want as much time with their baby as possible. They may truly believe that abortion is wrong and that God has a plan for them and their baby. Or they just want to take the chance that, at the end of the day, their baby will come home with them. I think that is beautiful.
But making that choice and trusting God does not mean that their baby will live, Ja.mes Do.bson, Mrs. Te.bow. It does not mean that.
I know deeply religious men and women who prayed hard that their babies' lives would be spared. And their babies died. Their situation is hard enough without one of the most prominently devout organizations in the country implying that they did not trust God enough.
I honestly don't think that the Te.bows meant to offend anyone. But this is exactly where the total silence around baby loss can be so damaging. There is a terrible myth in this country that babies only die if you abo.rt them or if you did something bad during your pregnancy. That might be why America has spent billions of dollars and founded dozens of PACs to try to stop ab.ort.ion, but has done almost nothing to lower the number of stillbirths.
We have to find a way to talk better about this. Fifteen years ago when I had an ab.ort.ion, my p.ro-lif.e friends got angry and stopped calling me. Last year, when I delivered a 20-week old fe.tus, some of my pr.o-cho.ice friends had a hard time understanding why I was so upset for so long. That is a big, big problem.
I think moms who ter.minate, for whatever reason, are not supported by those on either side of the issue to mourn their losses--if you chose it, you must be okay with it. If not, repent it or get over it. That is a problem. If you simply "lost" your baby, then you are allowed to mourn - but only for few months, and then it's time to buck up! That is also a problem. Are these two problems really so different?
I know it is complex and brain-wrinkling, but as the mother in both my pregnancies, I reserve the right to have ter.mina.ted and mourned for one, and to have unwillingly lost and mourned for the other. This isn't about logic. This is about spirituality, physicality, and the heart. This is about the deep morass of life and death, of free will and destiny and I don't understand it, and I have to sit in the middle of it every day. But is there a way to have a reasonable national conversation about it? I don't know.
I, like many people, would like ab.or.tions to be rare. I understand the concerns. I would also like babyloss to be rare. And as a country I think we are in dangerous waters when we draw such sharp distinctions between ter.mina.tions and losses. When one gets so much more political attention and money than the other. When one gets a voice and medical research and the other does not. When one is met with judgment and the other met with confusion and fear. We need more reason and more compassion around both situations. We need our responses to be based on people and individual needs, not on political principles or where we pray. Don't you agree, Mrs. T?
I bet deep down she does. She seems like a nice person. I'd like to think she wouldn't reject a friend who had a sick baby and chose medi.cal ter.mina.tion. I'd like to think that if she knew about all the mamas out there who suffered placental abruption and had their babies die, she wouldn't have turned her experience into a Su.per B.owl ad.
Monday, February 8
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11 comments:
This was a great read, thank you for sharing your point of view :)
I'd also like to think she woudln't judge those of us who chose to induce too early and lost their babies because of medical conditions threatening the mother's life.
Amazing post. One that should be some kind of required reading in the world. Thank you. XO
Well said Jenni. It isn't simple.
Life isn't always the kindest choice, I know that I wouldn't want to put anyone through what I saw my daughters suffer. Not if there wasn't any chance of survival.
I don't know how an organisation such as this can possibly square their message with those who pray in faith that their children will survive. Not all children who are prayed for, live. Not all children who are loved, live. Sadly. And it is cruel to suggest otherwise. xo
As the Administrator for "A Heartbreaking Choice" I applaud you for your heart felt story and your willingness to share. Thank you so much for sharing and for mentioning our site - we do support all women who have made the heartbreaking choice to terminate a much wanted pregnancy, whether for their own health or to spare their children from suffering. Making that choice IS heartbreaking, and mothers SHOULD be allowed to grieve without judgment.
Ayliea
Oh how I needed to reply to this post, this post that tugged at my heart and rewound my memories to approximately twenty months ago. When I was pregnant with my twins, I discovered at our twenty week fetal anatomy scan that my son had a serious and complex heart defect. At the time, the doctors couldn't tell us exactly what it was, only that it was very bad. I was offered that heartbreaking choice to terminate my pregnancy. Having had an abortion years earlier and then suffering multiple miscarriages on my way to having my family, I simply could not bring myself to end my son's life before it began. There was also a significant risk to my unborn daughter as well. We chose to ride the pregnancy through and do whatever we needed to do to give my son the best possible shot at life. After moving to another city, being on bedrest, and attending over eighty doctors appointments in four months, my twins were born full term at thirty seven weeks. My son was beautiful but very sick. I prayed those weeks leading up to his birth and after harder than I have ever prayed in my life. God did not save my son, he died after suffering complications to his open heart surgery when he was six days old. We took what I believe was the harder road, we suffered, sacrificed and in the end lost. But we also won. We had our boy for six days, six days of love and tenderness. We had tons of support during my pregnancy and after Calvin's death, I wonder if the support would have been the same if we had chosen to spare him the suffering and pain of surgery by terminating the pregnancy. Somehow I think not. Despite the pain we faced, the difficult decisions that we made and then the ultimate decision to remove him from life support when he bled into his brain, I think that if we had terminated instead of facing all of that and despite the fact that he was a very much loved and wanted baby, that our family would have been judged and condemned by many of our friends and family. Not all prolife stories have a happy ending where the baby is well and healthy. My baby suffered, perhaps needlessly because of my decision to pray and hope for the best. Thanks so much for this perspective, it's not an easy thing from any side. Hugs
This is a great post. Thank you for sharing you experiences - it's a brave act.
Did you see the 'Trust Women' Pla.nned Par.entho.od response ads on y.ou tu.be?
Thank you so much for this post. I had to make a heartbreaking choice to end my pregnancy at 21 weeks and I had to do it in secret and pay cash because the doctor was afraid of getting shot. Two abortion doctors were killed here in the 90's so no one will do a second trimester termination openly. I have only told those I trust what really happened because I know some people will judge. They will refuse to hear that Aiden would have been in agony because his brain was being crushed. I did the best thing I could for him and no one here thinks I have the right to mourn him. What made me furious is the people defending that add. They keep saying that even if your child will die, it still deserves life. The people that are anti-choice don't care how much the baby, and the baby's family, will suffer. Until you have been told that your baby will die a slow and horribly painful death, you cannot judge another woman's decision.
I prayed. I wept. I begged. I bartered. I finally surrendered. I have no idea why I had to chose between my son's life, and mine. I have no idea why, after 5 years, we finally got pregnant and then lost Gabe.
I know I made the right choice, I did chose life - mine.
Thanks for your comment. I appreciated it.
Great post. So many pro-lifers don't take into account the mothers who WANT life for their baby, but who choose instead to spare them a miserable life where they know only suffering. It's frustrating.
I'm pro-choice and I always have been, but my personal choice had always been life when faced with hypothetical situations. And then I was faced with a real life situation. A baby that was very much wanted, and not conceived easily. At 20 weeks we learned she was a very sick baby, one whose prognosis was uncertain. The last thing I wanted was for her to suffer. I wanted so badly to have a definitive diagnosis, so that I would know more about her life expectancy or possible quality of life, but we didn't have that. And so I chose to carry her. She lived for 20 days, and was in pain or sedated the whole time. I'm still pro-choice, but now I don't even try to guess what I would do in hypothetical situations. Because you can't know until you are there. If I had another pregnancy with a sick baby, I would be faced again with a heartbreaking choice, but right now I couldn't say what I would do.
I wish people who made the same choice that I did, but got a happy outcome, could hear the voices in this babyloss community. But I don't think they can, and so they don't understand. And that is sad.
thanks everyone, for your comments and for sharing your stories. i know this is a tough, complicated issue. thanks for making the space for me to express myself about this, and for speaking up yourselves. my heart to yours. xo
Thanks, Jenni for the unadorned graciousness with which you write. Especially with such a miserably hard topic to write about, much less experience.
You brought me into what it must be like to make sense one of life's hardest, most gut-wrenching choices for a mother. You cleared the high-charged air a bit with sense-making and gentle elegance.
I am grateful for your words . . . and I think the eyes of my heart were opened to the raw anguish many women feel having to work through the unthinkable.
Keep writing. Keep going hard after understanding and wisdom. Many voices slowly clear a path where before there was only darkness and pain and fear.
Keep asking tough questions so real answers can turn up from the haze, or at least spur others to keep asking similar questions.
Keep listening to your heart for therein lies freedom if we linger long enough to pay any real attention to the still, small voice whispering.
I suspect you know what I mean.
And oh yeah, the blog and the writing are wonderful in their own right!
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