How to say her name out loud in public without feeling all weird about it.
How to not feel guilty.
How to stop wondering if there's something I could have done to save her.
How to forgive my friends won't talk about it or who say stupid shit.
How to say "stop" to someone who does or says something to trigger me.
How to trust doctors.
How to like my body.
How to make the holidays okay.
How to transform this into a "meaningful experience".
How to feel lame for seeing shamans, shrinks, and psychics.
How to determine my upper limit on brownies or hot showers.
How to trust that I can fully heal if I don't have another baby.
How to not a little bit despise the ignorant girl I used to be.
How to un-know what I know.
How to be totally compassionate with myself and with everyone else.
How to feel like I do enough to let my dead baby know that I love her.
How to pray.
How to give up.
What haven't you learned yet?
Monday, February 15
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5 comments:
To so many your "not learned's" I would like to say "ditto".
Also,
I haven't learned to talk about losing George without crying.
I haven't learned how to wrap my head around the concept of being a mother with no child in our home.
I haven't learned how to "get over it" nor how to "move on" or "put it behind me".
I haven't quite learned how to not read bayloss meaning into everything that's said by family and friends.
I haven't learned how to watch tv programmes or movies with dramatic ultrasounds without gibbering.
*sigh* so much left to learn!
xxx
How to forgive my friends won't talk about it or who say stupid shit.
Definitely this - I know people don't understand but I hate that I'm the one that is going through this and then it's up to me to cut other people slack.
How to move towards a new life without feeling like I'm leaving Matilda behind.
xx
Most of the above.
Particular how to give up.
Definitely not good at that one.
Love to you x
Me too on so many of these.
Much love to you, mama.
I haven't learned that I can't prepare for the hard things. I keep trying and the expected hard things aren't so hard and then I'm blind sided by something else.
I haven't learned how to fully comprehend that he is gone forever. I know this and yet somehow this little fact manages to hit me again and again.
There are a lot of things that I've learned that I seem to need to keep learning. Again and again and again. Sigh.
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